shenae.com

Here are some quality selections from my dating website emails.  Did you notice each of them is just one line long?

I’m looking for sexual foreplay and massage. Is that what ur looking for?

hiiiiiiiii

Do you date older men? I’d love to hear from you,

I need my floride, and that would be Y O U! I love you

This is the best one by far.  How could one IM session piss a girl off so much?  Read on, and by the by, my thoughts are in italics…

Shenae:  Hi
*** Waiting for Douchebag to connect
*** Douchebag’s IC window is open
Douchebag:  hi
Shenae:  I just emailed you and then i saw that you were online
Douchebag:  yeah, ijust read it thanks
Douchebag:  no, you shouldnt be worried, i am harmless
Shenae:  lol (edited)
Douchebag:  for sure
Douchebag:  you seem to have a great body (is that a compliment?)
Douchebag:  do yo hav emore pics>? (I should have logged off here, plus he can’t type)
Shenae:  well thank you
Shenae:  just pics of me in clothes (hint hint, perv)
Douchebag:  ok
Shenae:  were you looking for a specific kind of pic?
Douchebag:  not really…i just think you have  a hot body from what i can see in your pics (alert, alert, he said it again, code red)
Shenae:  well thank you again
Douchebag:  what r u doign home tonight? (is this lol catz or can this mofo just not type?)
Shenae:  you are definitely easy on the eyes
Shenae:  i am relaxing
Shenae:  i have to work tomorrow afternoon
Shenae:  what are you doing?
Douchebag:  thanks honey
Douchebag:  not much, ijust got got home
Shenae:  what do you do for a living, if you don’t mind me asking?
Douchebag:  work for a ****  (edited)
Douchebag:  and you
Shenae:  at a **** (edited)
Shenae:  and i work **** (edited)
Douchebag:  sounds nice
Shenae:  errr, it’s tough
Shenae:  i work at night most of the time
Douchebag:  what r u looking for on this site (what the…)
Shenae:  a relationship
Shenae:  and you?
Douchebag:  having fun, hooking up
Shenae:  ah okay (shut ‘er down, he’s a flake)
Shenae:  well it was nice chatting with you
Douchebag:  likewise
*** Douchebag’s IC window is closed

Online dating is oodles of fun.  If you could see my face, there would be a huge fucking smirk on it.

Drew Peterson is engaged.  No, I didn’t stutter, he’s engaged to some 23 year-old idiot. How the fuck does this ugly, fat, manipulative psychopath go on dates, let alone have a relationship, meanwhile I’m single?  It does not make sense. Do I have to stab someone to get a date?  Someone up there is having a joke with us.

courtesy of oprah.com

I needed a few weeks to cool off after watching the Oprah show about couples in sex therapy.  That show just ruined me.  Actually, it was the married couples who made me sick.  Why get married if you are going to withhold sex?   Then the women complain about not feeling attractive or sexy.  I’m sorry, did you find one man who loved you enough to marry you and still want to have sex with you after you let yourself go?  Don’t blame the kids, the stress, or the pregnancies. You let yourself go.  It pisses me off that I’m a habitual single woman, with a body most women would pay good money for, yet I can’t get a date.  But when I find that special someone, I would try to make up for lost time.  I would do things like swing from a chandelier, have sex in an elevator and not leave the bedroom for an entire weekend.  These women made me physically sick because they don’t know how lucky they are, and again, take their relationships, their husbands, and that entire tray of brownies for granted.

5:30am Go to bed

11:16am Awoke from a pleasant sleep by the loudest construction workers I have ever heard.  Were they digging a tunnel to Australia?

12:00pm Go back to sleep, barely.

1:30pm Wake up

2:30pm Go to grocery store.

4:00pm Make hot dogs for a quick lunch

4:30pm Do one load of laundry

5:00pm Make dough for pizza.  Check emails.

6:30pm Eat entire pizza.  Freeze the other dough rounds.

7:20pm Leave for work.

8:00pm Clock in for work.

11:30pm Wonder why I’m here if there is no late room service. Ugh.

1:00am Realize none of my friends are online at Facebook, MySpace or IM *sighs*

1:30am Orders food and waits.

2:58am Gets food delivery…finally.  Anihilates burger and fries, proclaiming the effects of the “Michael Phelps Diet.”

3:44am Realizes there are only 15 more minutes until I go home.

4:00am Clocks out and walks home.

courtesy Dailymail.co.uk and Splash

There goes my future baby daddy with his current wife, Posh Spice.  She looks positively divine, and I’m sure I would look fabulous in that dress! The jury is still out on her headband.  Normally, Victoria’s hair is in top form, I mean perfectly coiffed.  But in this pic?  A little reminiscent of Buckwheat say otay.  A nice dinner and a Broadway show sounds lovely.  Let’s just focus on his shoes….goodness me, that man cleans up nice.  *swoons*

Workout (noun) The intense conditioning of muscles you never knew you had, by a good-looking personal trainer, which results in not being able to climb stairs, walk or sit down without excruciating pain.

Oh…holy…Jesus.  What was I thinking?  I haven’t excercised in over a year and I thought I would be okay.  I walk to work every day, I look like a model (so I’ve been told…by sober people, thank you very much) so why am I in so much pain?  The trainer looked at me and asked what was I doing there.  I said I needed to add more definition, to keep things fit and to add on weight.  He asked me how much I weigh.  I said 136 pounds but I should be 140 to 145 pounds for my height and age.  He asked me how old I was and I told him I just turned 36.  He was stunned.  This is probably why he pushed me so hard, because I look young.  My knees were screaming to my calves and my glutes put a jihad out on my hamstrings.  When I was finished with the session, I realized just how lazy out of shape I am even though I walk to work every day.  Well that, and the fact that using one of those old lady walkers sounds really good right now.

You realize you need more time.  The random hair on your chin grows faster than the hair on your head.  Staying at home to watch a movie with a glass of wine sounds more appealing than going out to a club, even if your friends are in vip.  Things creak.  The worst, the absolute worst thing ever about getting old, is that you find grey hairs in places you would never imagine.

I am 36 today.  I can’t believe I made it this far.   I still feel like I haven’t accomplished anything yet.  I feel like there should be something more, rather, that I should be something more. So I’m making some changes and I’m just going to do what I want to do.  Stressing out doesn’t work.  Trying to push things through, doesn’t work. I’m just going to be focused and relaxed and be the best Shenae that I can be.

And yes, I still look fabulous!

I don’t think chatting with someone online would be as bad as a first date.  I was grossly wrong.

Me: hi

Douchebag: Hi baby

Me:  You called me baby. I’m a little older. How are you?

Douchebag: I’m great and sober can u chat a while now?

Me: for a few minutes. where are you now?

Douchebag: wanna trade pics? ny

Me: no i’ve seen your pics on the [insert dating site.com here]

OFFLINE: Douchebag has signed out.

Me: well that was odd.

Just what the hell is going on?  Is the entire dating pool tainted and very shallow?

It’s almost 9pm and I am starving…and tired.  I was up at 7:30 this morning to get ready for the jam-packed day.  I had an employee meeting for Retail Job and then off to work for Hotel Job.  I haven’t eaten since this morning and I am sorry, skittles and a chocolate covered graham do not count. I need a meal, with some sort of large slab of meat, some carbs, and LOTS of alcohol.

I am unbelievably tired.  I have two jobs…actually three jobs if you count grand jury duty.  Well I count it because I get paid for it, I have to report to the courthouse every Friday, and since I am the secretary, I have to do some work.  Anyhoo, I did not remember how hectic it was to work two jobs.  What is funny is the last time I did this, I was in culinary school full time.  No wonder I never slept.  My fear is that I will answer the phone at one job with the greeting from the other job.   But other than that, both are going well.

This has to be the happiest day I have had in eight years.  It was worth standing in line to do the early vote.  It was worth being chosen to serve grand jury duty for 18 months.  I am so proud to be an American.  We really turned it out.  The voter turnout was huge and it’s because people woke up.  We needed a change and we got one.  Yes, it will be Obama in ‘09.  It’s a celebration, bitches.

Ben and Jerry’s shops are giving away a free scoop of ice cream, Krispy Kreme shops are giving away a free doughnut and local shops Le Bon and Segafreddo are giving away a free glass of prosecco if you present your voters card or have on a “I voted today” sticker.  So celebrate your right to vote!

Yesterday, I scheduled an hour to vote.  I know, that sounds weird but I knew the line would be long.  No, it was unbelievably long.  After waiting a half hour, I knew I would be late for work, so I left.  But I asked one of the volunteers what is the best time to come in.  He said to come in before 9am or 10am and it would be a 15 minute wait.  I asked another person if I could go to any voting center.  She said no just go to the one closest to your house.  Since I have jury duty on Fridays, I decided I would go before jury duty and then catch the bus.  I got about 6 hours of sleep because I worked the late shift and I was getting up even earlier the next morning.  I get to the center at 8:15am.  I was the third person in line.  Fifteen minutes later, we still haven’t moved upstairs.  Fourty minutes later, I waited on another line upstairs,  which was outside the voting room.  They told us to turn off our cell phones, meanwhile the poll workers and volunteers were chatting and text messaging on their phones.  And there was some volunteer walking around to make sure our cell phones were off.  Ugh.  I needed to know what time it was because I didn’t want to be late for jury duty. They would lie, saying things like “Oh it’s not even 9am,” just so they could continue their phone call.  I was finished at 9:30am and then called the juror office to tell them I would be late.  The coordinator asked why and I explained to her what happened.  She said I could have gone to any early voting place as long as I had my ID and that the one downtown near the courthouse had no wait.  Unbelievable.  This is why people don’t vote.  I strongly believe that my fellow Americans are lazy and don’t have enough patience to stand in line for more than 15 minutes, even if food is involved.  I hope that I made the right decision to vote early, meaning the wait time to vote on Election Day will be longer.

courtesy of the Daily Mail

I am highly upset that my future ex-husband David Beckham is rumored to be playing for AC Milan in January.  It’s just for a few months so he can play for England team.  Victoria Beckham will be remain here in the US, but will travel back and forth to see him.  I’ve always wanted to visit Italy.  I really do sound like a stalker now.